Hiatus

I won’t be updating moving forward. I have a lot to write about and have decided to move forward with anonymous blogging. I have been meaning to write many posts over the last few months and stop myself because I don’t know how to proceed…do I write anonymously…protect some posts….???  So I just don’t write anything…and that’s not right! 

I love you guys and will be checking your blogs.  If you want to stay in contact look me up on facebook or email me. 

I thank you from my core for following me, emailing me, calling or otherwise checking in on me.

Love and Light

Beautiful Curve/Jaded/Jessica

 

Processing

I must think about blogging every single day…yet I never find the time to do so.  I must however because I have come to realize that it is one of the ways that I meditate and process all the competing thoughts in my head.

Thoughts…like the coin that Ziggy swallowed which landed us a trip to hospital…x-rays which revealed a coin in her throat…an emergency transfer to another hospital…and overnight stay…surgery the next day which inadvertently propelled the coin into her tummy and into a diaper several days later….sigh.

Or musings on my fun trip to Ohio to visit my girlfriend and best friend ever Big Sexy…aka…Donna Simpson.  Thoughts on the talks we had…the fun we had…the fun drag show we saw….the excitement I have over knowing that we will be partners in weightloss together…

Thoughts on the decision to  move forward with weight loss surgery in Mexico very early next year…

Processing the idea that the home we invested so much in has closed in a shortsale and we are no longer home owners and adjusting/rationalizing the idea that it was the best decision to let it go for our future…

Writings about how I seem to be adjusting far better to my new role and added responsibilities at work…highly likely to the anxiety meds I am on again.

Recording all the wonderful milestones Ziggy is hitting…the words she’s saying…all her amazing ways…the way she greets her Daddy with repetitive hugs and miles of smiles when he gets home each night…

So much to process…so much to look forward to…

Remembering 10 Years Later

Where were you on that day?  That seems to be the question you get most.  I was on the train that morning on my way in to the city.  I’d always look at the Trade Center – beautiful, tall and prominent – just before the train would dip under ground.  I didn’t know that would be the last time I saw it.  I likely just missed the first plane hit it…by the time I got to school about 20 minutes later the first attack had already taken place. 

When I got to my college’s lobby everyone was hushed and listening to a radio along with the security guard.  I was told that a plane had hit the Trade Center – there would be no classes.  I found a few of my friends and we wondered how to get home.  I thought about taking the Queens Borough Bridge home…but there were fears that bridges would be attacked…so we decided to stay on Manhattan Island and walk to my friend’s home.  I went to school on East 71st street…she lived on West 170th street….we walked for over 100 blocks…we barely felt it on that day.

During our walk off in the distance we could see the smoke of the Trade Center…the skyline was forever changed.  We kept thinking about the horror just south of us.  The whole way there we received updates on what was happening…from other people walking…from people sitting in their cars blasting the radio for others to listen…from shop owners that offered our pregnant friend (and us) water or food. 

On that day we saw the worst and the absolute best of humanity.

We went to Ground Zero 2 days later to see if we could help.  Authorities requested water and batteries and so we brough that with us.  Other than that there was nothing we could do.  The air was thick with dust and remnants of the attack.  The crowd became silent each time flatbed trucks draped with the American Flag would leave packed with debris. 

I stayed with my friend for 3 days and finally felt comfortable taking the train home.  My little brother – then 1 was sitting in his high chair and smiled at me when he saw me after 3 days…right behind him the television flashed images of the planes hitting the towers. 

Today I was looking at images on the television of that day.  Seeing those planes and seeing those towers burn and collapse will forever move me.  The images of people helping one another…the images of the heroism of that day will forever inspire.

They will NEVER win.

I can’t beleive it’s been 10 years…I met my husband 3 months later.  He regularly did consulting work in the Trade Center…thankfully he was not there on that day.

The First Step…

I went to a weight loss surgery seminar.  I’m sure this is the path for me…the only question is…what surgery do I choose and when the hell can I get onto my husband’s insurance for coverage…

Regardless…it was the first step…

Tug of War

I never understood a working mother’s guilt.  I just figured that it happened to  someone that maybe didn’t have it all together…something vague.  But now as I drop her off day in and day out at daycare I understand.  When I’m told by others about her day I understand.  When I’m told that she loves the sprinklers and “is really walking”, I understand.

Today, as I was signing her out I heard her cry.  I rushed over to her ‘classroom’ and asked what happened.  I was told that she fell off a ‘horsey’.  I wanted to strangle someone – I know – ilogical.  I know – these things happen.  Still, I wanted to do so.  And then I go home wondering if I would have been told about this had I not walked in and seen it.  These are the kinds of scenarios that break my heart and have me wondering about her welfare.

It’s days like to today that I wish I could just turn my back on my job and stay home with my daughter so that a slip of paper or someone I hardly know will not have to tell me about her day.

I’m contracted to work for my job for 2 years…and it’s days like today that I hardly know how I will get through it.

The Next Phase

Ziggy has brought so much joy and happiness to our lives…but there is still sorrow.  There is still work to do.  Our marraige took a huge hit with the loss of our girls. We just got through with talking this morning and it’s clear that my husband is now processing and working through a lot of pain and anxiety that I always knew he had, but not to this extent.

Things were HARD; and for a long time all we had in common was a lot of pain.  I don’t think either of us bargained for all the work that lay ahead after Ziggy.  We just wanted to get Ziggy here – safely and healthfully – and we got that.  Yet we never looked past that goal because it seemed insurmountable, and we never thought about what came next.

So here we are at that ‘next’ phase.

The fire is out; we finally put it out.  Now we are taking a look around…and holy shit…there is much to do.

Finances have to get in order….

Wellness and health must be moved out of the back burner….I’m looking into weight loss surgery…

Emotions have to come out – no matter how ugly- and they MUST be faced, and they MUST be processed and made peace with if we are ever to find some semblance of freedom.

We need to find ourselves as individuals….he has to go bike riding again and running and hiking and skiing…all those things he loved to do.

I need to start practicing yoga again and reading and dancing and cooking and drinking martinis with the ladies over bad and totally inappropriate jokes.

We need to do all these things…so that we can become WHOLE again and find ourselves again…and then find each other.

Celebrations!

The month of June was filled to the brim with celebrating: my cousin’s college graduation, Savannah’s FIRST birthday, my birthday 3 days later and our first father’s day.

I can’t beleive I got to experience so many firsts and witness so many changes in our little girl.  She went from this squiggly little thing to this precious little child that has weaved her way into the center of our lives.  Her smiles are infectious; her laughter like music and every new experience for her has become an opportunity for us to view the world in a different way.